Lighthouse News Network

[tdc_zone type="tdc_content"][vc_row][vc_column][td_block_text_with_title custom_title="About US" block_template_id="td_block_template_2"] America's Finest News Source That Isn't The Onion Founded in 2024 by a coalition of disgruntled fortune cookie writers and unemployed weathermen, Lighthouse News Network has grown into America's most trusted source of completely fabricated journalism. Our editorial standards are surpassed only by our commitment to making stuff up. Editorial Standards The Lighthouse News Network maintains the highest standards of made-up journalism through a rigorous fact-elimination process. Every story published on our website must first be thoroughly vetted to ensure the complete absence of accuracy. Our team of anti-fact-checkers works around the clock to remove any accidentally included truths from our articles. Our Process All stories undergo our proprietary 6-step verification process: Initial...

In a move that would make Machiavelli himself raise a skeptical eyebrow, Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Bryce Harper has redefined the art of "having your cake and eating it too." Just days after signing a record-breaking 10-year, $420 million contract extension – a deal so lucrative it could single-handedly fund a small nation's space program – Harper shocked the baseball world by requesting a trade. "We were ecstatic to finally lock down Bryce for the foreseeable future," stammered a visibly bewildered Dave Dombrowski, Phillies President of Baseball Operations. "He's our franchise player, the face of the team. We even threw in a lifetime supply of Tastykakes, for Pete's sake!" Dombrowski then excused himself to go sob uncontrollably into a pile of Liberty Bell replicas. Speculation regarding Harper's sudden trade request is running rampant. Some sources claim the slugger simply yearns for a more competitive environment, one where...

In a move that will surely inspire heartwarming tales of rags-to-riches and the unyielding power of the American Dream , a consortium of the world's wealthiest individuals has announced plans to construct a colossal, state-of-the-art money bin. This unprecedented project, spearheaded by a group affectionately known as the "One Percent Posse," aims to consolidate the collective wealth of these titans of industry into a single, awe-inspiring repository: a monument to their tireless efforts and, of course, unimaginable riches. Imagine, if you will, a spectacle designed to dwarf Scrooge McDuck's legendary swimming pool. Picture a behemoth crafted from the finest unobtanium, its surface shimmering with a kaleidoscope of ethically sourced diamonds. Security measures will be nothing short of Herculean, featuring laser grids, attack geese trained in the art of wealth defense, and a moat filled with a particularly aggressive strain of piranhas (ethically sourced piranhas, ...

In a shocking exposé that will leave taxpayers with a newfound appreciation for their overflowing wallets, a recent study has unearthed a truth more damning than a misspelling in a government memo: a staggering 97% of public servants are utterly clueless about the meaning of "public service." The bombshell report, conducted by the esteemed Institute for the Study of Obvious Things (ISOT), surveyed over 10,000 public employees across a diverse range of departments. From the Department of Redundant Paperwork to the Bureau of Unnecessary Delays, the results were as uniform as a freshly printed stack of identical forms: utter bewilderment. "The concept of public service appears to be a complete mystery to the vast majority of those employed by the public," declared Professor Harold "Clueless" McGruff, lead researcher at ISOT. "When asked to define the term, responses ranged from 'a paid vacation with dental' to 'ritualistic coffee breaks...

BREAKING: Harry Styles Announces Presidential Bid, Promises to Replace Electoral College with TikTok Dance-Offs INDIO, CA — In a stunning political development that has left both Democratic and Republican strategists frantically googling "What's a Harry Styles," the 30-year-old British pop sensation announced his candidacy for U.S. President during a surprise appearance at Coachella, wearing a pantsuit made entirely of "I Voted" stickers and what appeared to be a corsage made from the Constitution. "Listen yeah, I've been thinking," Styles told the screaming crowd while sensually eating a watermelon slice, "America needs less politics and more polka dots. Less division and more sequin-based unity." The announcement came as Styles emerged from a giant watermelon-shaped hot air balloon, which his campaign later confirmed would serve as Air Force One should he win the presidency . The former One Direction member's campaign plat...

ENGLEWOOD, CO - In a move that surprised absolutely no one familiar with the NFL's endless loop of "rebuilding ," the Denver Broncos have secured the coaching services of Sean Payton, a man who seemingly possesses the magical ability to transform any team into...well, a team that consistently finishes 8-8. Yes, folks, rejoice! Gone are the days of frustrating playoff misses and the existential dread of watching Drew Lock throw interceptions. With Payton at the helm, Broncos fans can now look forward to years of a meticulously crafted offense that consistently stalls inside the opponent's 10-yard line, gut-wrenching fourth-quarter collapses, and post-game press conferences filled with Payton uttering the phrase "we just have to execute" with the air of a man unveiling a revolutionary new philosophy. Let's not forget the media frenzy surrounding this "dream team" pairing. Analysts are practically salivating at the prospect of Payton workin...

ENGLEWOOD, CO - In a move that surprised absolutely no one familiar with the NFL's endless loop of "rebuilding ," the Denver Broncos have secured the coaching services of Sean Payton, a man who seemingly possesses the magical ability to transform any team into...well, a team that consistently finishes 8-8. Yes, folks, rejoice! Gone are the days of frustrating playoff misses and the existential dread of watching Drew Lock throw interceptions. With Payton at the helm, Broncos fans can now look forward to years of a meticulously crafted offense that consistently stalls inside the opponent's 10-yard line, gut-wrenching fourth-quarter collapses, and post-game press conferences filled with Payton uttering the phrase "we just have to execute" with the air of a man unveiling a revolutionary new philosophy. Let's not forget the media frenzy surrounding this "dream team" pairing. Analysts are practically salivating at the prospect of Payton workin...

In a move that's sure to leave economists scratching their heads and children ecstatic, the government unveiled a groundbreaking stimulus package designed to revitalize the flailing economy. Forget about measly cash injections or boring tax breaks – this bold initiative promises to deliver unprecedented relief in the form of… free candy and temporary tattoos! Hold your applause (and potential sugar rush) for a moment. Before you envision streets paved with chocolate and a national renaissance of butterfly tramp stamps, let's dissect this "economic miracle" a little further. The Sweet Relief of Stimulus: The cornerstone of this revolutionary plan is a strategic distribution of candy . Sources within the Department of Deliciousness (yes, you read that right) confirm a diverse selection of sugary treats will be available. Gummy bears, with their uncanny ability to cure existential dread, will be a cornerstone. Lollipops, symbols of pure, unadulterated joy, will ...

NEW YORK CITY – In a development that has left the internet more confused than a Kardashian pregnancy announcement, humanity's first contact with extraterrestrial life occurred last night. However, the initial alien message raised more eyebrows than a surprised Klingon. "At precisely 9:42 pm EST," declared a visibly flustered President Hernandez during a hastily arranged press conference, "a blinding flash of light engulfed major global cities, followed by a telepathic message of unprecedented scale." Reports from around the world confirmed a unified experience: a blinding light show and a voice that sounded suspiciously like Siri with a sinus infection. The message itself lacked the gravitas of a Carl Sagan monologue, instead opting for a blunt, five-word request: "Netflix password, please." Social media, naturally, went into nuclear meltdown. Memes depicting grumpy aliens struggling with buffering screens spread faster than a rogue tweet fro...

LONDON —In a stunning turn of events that left political pundits speechless and hairdressers nationwide on high alert, former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced the formation of a new political party Tuesday, promising to undo the very Brexit he once championed with the zeal of a man who just discovered fire. Johnson made the announcement at the Half-Empty Pint, a struggling pub in East London, where he arrived via zip line. In a moment that perfectly encapsulated his political career, Johnson found himself suspended midair, flailing like a fish out of water, before being rescued by a group of bemused firefighters. "My fellow Britons, I've made a terrible mistake," Johnson declared to a crowd consisting mainly of confused tourists and a stray dog. "But fear not, for I, Boris Johnson, am here to fix it with my new party: The Brexit Remorse Party!" The party's logo, a sad bulldog wearing an EU flag as a cape, was met with a mixture of laughter ...

LOS ANGELES — In a groundbreaking fusion of reality TV entrepreneurship and immersive entertainment, Kim Kardashian announced Monday the launch of "SKAPES™," a luxury escape room experience where participants attempt to survive a day in her life, with a success rate currently standing at zero percent. The venture, priced at a modest $995 per hour ("because $1000 felt too obvious," according to Kardashian), promises participants the authentic experience of being a billion-dollar business mogul who can't remember which day she filmed which reality show. "People always say they could do what I do," Kardashian stated during a three-hour press conference, which she simultaneously live-streamed, converted into a TikTok dance, and used to promote her skincare line. "Now they literally can't. It's, like, literally impossible, which is so on-brand for me." The experience begins with participants signing a 75-page NDA and squeezing in...

WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that has political analysts scratching their heads, a recent poll shows that 87% of American voters are adamantly demanding change while simultaneously pledging to re-elect the very same politicians who have been in office for decades. The groundbreaking survey, conducted by the Institute for Circular Political Logic, reveals that voters across the nation are united in their desire for "drastic, immediate change" but are equally committed to achieving this change by maintaining the status quo at all costs. "I'm sick and tired of the way things are," declared Harriet Flip-Flopper, 52, a self-described "change enthusiast" from Anytown, USA. "That's why I'm voting for Senator Fossil, who's been in office since the Stone Age. He knows exactly how to keep things exactly the same, which is precisely the kind of change we need!" Political analyst Dr. Conundrum Puzzlewort...

In a move that climatologists are calling "the dumbest thing I've heard since flat-Earthers started selling cruises," world leaders have unanimously agreed to ban clouds . Citing a "global vitamin D deficiency crisis" and a "concerning drop in sunglass sales," the international community has declared fluffy white menaces in the sky public enemy number one. "For too long, we've been held hostage by these tyrannical moisture moguls," declared a visibly tanned Prime Minister Boris Johnson during a press conference held poolside in his Downing Street backyard. "They block out the sun, our glorious, life-giving sun! It's time we took back control of our skies and embraced the eternal sunshine we deserve." Experts, meanwhile, are scratching their heads faster than a dandruff-stricken toupee in a hurricane. "Clouds play a vital role in regulating Earth's temperature and distributing precipitation," explained Dr....

In a surprising twist that has shocked pundits and pollsters alike, Americans across the nation are reportedly "giddy with anticipation" for the upcoming election season. Citizens from all walks of life are clearing their schedules, stocking up on popcorn, and preparing their best political zingers for what promises to be the most divisive and acrimonious electoral cycle in recent memory. "I can't wait for the attack ads to start rolling in," exclaimed Sarah Johnson, a 34-year-old accountant from Ohio. "They're like mini-action movies, but with politicians! Who needs Netflix when you can watch Senator Smith accuse Representative Jones of wanting to steal Christmas and kick puppies?" Political analysts are hailing this unexpected enthusiasm as a breakthrough in civic engagement. Dr. Harold Bickering, a professor of Political Science at Partisan University, explained, "For years, we've been trying to get people interested in the politi...

Buffalo, NY - In a development that has left sports analysts scrambling for metaphors and philosophers questioning the human condition, Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen is facing his most daunting challenge yet: learning to celebrate touchdowns without unleashing a primal scream that could shatter glass and curdle milk for miles around. Allen, a force of nature both on and off the field, is known for his thunderous celebrations that could wake the dead (or at least a particularly napping Bills Mafia member). While his passion is undeniable, some are beginning to question whether his celebratory tactics are a bit, well, much . "Listen, I love Josh's enthusiasm," confided a visibly shaken Bills equipment manager, clutching a chipped helmet. "But after the third time your eardrums feel like they've been invaded by a particularly disgruntled banshee choir, you start to wonder if there might be a less, shall we say, apocalyptic way to celebrate." E...

ST. PETERSBURG, FL - In a development that has sleep researchers scrambling for extra strong espresso, a new study from the National Institute of Sleep Research (NISR) suggests that the dreaded snooze button might be more than just a temporary reprieve from the cruel clutches of reality. It could, according to the study's lead author, be a one-way ticket to a time you'd rather forget – like, say, the Permian Era. Dr. Timothy Ticktock, a man whose last name seems suspiciously on-the-nose for this particular research, claims to have uncovered a startling correlation between chronic snooze button abuse and what he delicately terms "anomalous temporal occurrences." "Years of rigorous research, involving countless sheep (who, let's be honest, are terrible sleepers) and a disturbing number of volunteers clad in pajamas wired to blinking lights, have led us to this alarming conclusion," explained Dr. Ticktock, adjusting his thick-rimmed glasses and nervo...

For decades, Wall Street has been a bastion of financial brilliance. Pinstriped prophets, armed with complex algorithms and an uncanny ability to speak in tongues of acronyms, have guided us through market booms and busts. Their pronouncements were gospel, their insights as valuable as a Birkin bag full of diamonds. Or at least, that's what we were led to believe. Just last week, renowned analyst Bartholomew "Bogey" Bigbucks confidently declared on CNBC, "The Fibonacci retracement levels point towards a bullish flag pattern emerging in the near future. Brace yourselves for a tidal wave of… uh… something definitely happening in the market." Of course, Bogey's predictions have the historical accuracy of a fortune cookie written by a drunken monkey. Remember that time he swore by the "Chia Seed Index" as the next big market mover? Chia seeds, folks. The things you sprout on your windowsill for a vaguely healthy snack. But hey, a little financi...

Atlanta -In a move that's sure to revolutionize the fan experience and potentially cure athlete's foot, the Atlanta Braves have unveiled their most innovative promotion yet: free tickets for any fan who can correctly name all 30 Major League Baseball teams. "We wanted to find a way to engage with our fans on a deeper level," explained Braves Executive Vice President of Fan Engagement and Recreational Origami Barry "Origami Barry" Foldenstein. "Let's face it, the days of free bobbleheads and T-shirt nights are over. Millennials crave authenticity, and what's more authentic than proving your undying baseball loyalty by regurgitating a list you memorized in third grade?" News of the "Name That Team, Win Those Seats" promotion sent shockwaves through the baseball world. Fans were ecstatic. "This is incredible!" exclaimed lifelong Braves supporter and avid collector of vintage Pez dispensers, Hank "Hankenstein...

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a groundbreaking move that's sure to revolutionize education for the digital age, the Department of Education (DoE) unveiled its latest brainchild: "TikTok for Tots," a comprehensive learning program designed to engage young minds through the power of short-form video and catchy dance routines on TikTok platform . "We're thrilled to embark on this exciting new chapter in education," declared Secretary of Education, Bill Buzzfeed, barely containing his enthusiasm. "Imagine a world where multiplication tables are sung in the style of K-Pop, and the intricacies of photosynthesis are explained through a slime-filled science experiment with a killer beat! This is the future, folks!" Concerns about potential screen time addiction were promptly dismissed as "quaint Luddism" by Buzzfeed. "Look," he reassured the nation, "attention spans are shorter these days. Who needs long lectures when you can learn t...

Rejoice, weary office drones and pajama-clad procrastinators! After years of toiling in the trenches of the workweek, a team of brilliant (and slightly sleep-deprived) researchers at the University of Perpetual Procrastination (UPP) has unearthed the holy grail of productivity: simply don't get out of bed on Mondays. Led by Dr. Somnus Aeturnus, a renowned expert in "horizontal living" (and napping), the groundbreaking study, titled "The Monday Mentation: A Holistic Approach to Weekend Extension," definitively concludes that staying in bed effectively eliminates the soul-crushing phenomenon known as the " Monday blues ." "Our research clearly demonstrates that the mere act of rising from one's horizontal comfort zone triggers a cascade of negative emotions," explains Dr. Aeturnus, adjusting his silk sleep mask and clutching a mug of chamomile tea. "By simply remaining nestled beneath the warm embrace of one's duvet, a state ...

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In a move that would make even Evel Knievel reconsider his career choices, Tom Cruise has reportedly begun training for his role in "Mission: Impossible 8" by attempting to live on the moon. Sources close to the notoriously dedicated actor claim Cruise is currently residing in a custom-built lunar habitat erected in his backyard, complete with low-gravity simulation and a "space-food pantry" stocked entirely with astronaut ice cream and Tang. This news comes as no surprise to fans of the "Mission: Impossible" franchise, a series known for pushing the boundaries of human endurance and CGI budgets. From scaling the Burj Khalifa to dangling from a plane at 40,000 feet, Cruise has consistently defied the laws of physics and good sense in the name of on-screen thrills. But even by Cruise's standards, living on the moon is a whole new level of "extreme."     "Tom's always been one to fully immerse...