Lighthouse News Network

Boris Johnson was recently admitted to a mental institution for retired politicians. “They drove me out! I wanted to stay! I was the bloody Prime Minister of all of the Britons!” Yes, Mr. Johnson, you keep saying that. Are the Britons in this room with us right now? “I made more money than you will ever know! I own houses all over the world. I have bank accounts no one will ever find. Me and the King like to go clubbing in Greece for boy-toys.” I see. And this king fellow … does he wear robes and ermine and a crown? “Of course he does – he’s the bloody king. He’ll get me back into Parliament. I won’t have to sweep the floors – I went to Oxford or Cambridge Analytica or Blackrock … one of those VIP schools where the next generation of scum learn to kill without killing, steal without stealing, and hate without hating. It’s those fucking migrants! They don’t want me to Brexit the British! It’s a good plan – I am The BoJo – why does The Edge get his name but you’re t...

Boris Johnson was recently admitted to a mental institution for retired politicians. “They drove me out! I wanted to stay! I was the bloody Prime Minister of all of the Britons!” Yes, Mr. Johnson, you keep saying that. Are the Britons in this room with us right now? “I made more money than you will ever know! I own houses all over the world. I have bank accounts no one will ever find. Me and the King like to go clubbing in Greece for boy-toys.” I see. And this king fellow … does he wear robes and ermine and a crown? “Of course he does – he’s the bloody king. He’ll get me back into Parliament. I won’t have to sweep the floors – I went to Oxford or Cambridge Analytica or Blackrock … one of those VIP schools where the next generation of scum learn to kill without killing, steal without stealing, and hate without hating. It’s those fucking migrants! They don’t want me to Brexit the British! It’s a good plan – I am The BoJo – why does The Edge get his name but you’re t...

LONDON —In a stunning turn of events that left political pundits speechless and hairdressers nationwide on high alert, former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced the formation of a new political party Tuesday, promising to undo the very Brexit he once championed with the zeal of a man who just discovered fire. Johnson made the announcement at the Half-Empty Pint, a struggling pub in East London, where he arrived via zip line. In a moment that perfectly encapsulated his political career, Johnson found himself suspended midair, flailing like a fish out of water, before being rescued by a group of bemused firefighters. "My fellow Britons, I've made a terrible mistake," Johnson declared to a crowd consisting mainly of confused tourists and a stray dog. "But fear not, for I, Boris Johnson, am here to fix it with my new party: The Brexit Remorse Party!" The party's logo, a sad bulldog wearing an EU flag as a cape, was met with a mixture of laughter ...