Lighthouse News Network

CUPERTINO, CA — In a bold move to strengthen corporate compliance and keep workplace morale at a perfectly neutral level, Apple announced today the release of Severance: Workplace Edition , a special cut of its hit Apple TV+ series where all elements of fun, intrigue, and emotional depth have been carefully extracted—leaving behind a pure, undistilled essence of monotonous labor. “We heard from corporate leaders across the country who were concerned that the original Severance might give employees the wrong idea—like questioning authority, valuing personal identity, or, God forbid, unionizing,” said Apple’s Senior Vice President of Corporate Synergy, Todd Carmichael, in a press statement. “So, we’ve carefully removed any scenes that might inspire workers to think critically, form attachments, or exhibit basic human emotions. Now it’s just the good stuff—filing, typing, and a respectful fear of middle management.” The Workplace Edition reportedly eliminates any semblance of c...