Lighthouse News Network

MOSCOW - (Spoof News) - Russia's Kremlin Voice reports that a Russian destroyer, The Mrs. Joseph Stalin , has hit a 62-ton iceberg in the North Sea, and the vessel has sunk. The Russian warship was on a spying mission gathering highly classified information about the Norwegian troop build up in preparation for its invasion of Portugal. The Kremlin Voice divulged that one of President Vladimir Nikita Putin's nieces was aboard the Mrs. Joseph Stalin when it went down. Meanwhile, President Trump says that he is going to be monitoring the goings-on of the Communist navy, and if they should come within 9 miles of the United States coast, he will order American war vessels to sink the hell out of the rogue Russian ships. ■ https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/a-russian-destroyer-hits-an-iceberg-in-the-north-sea/?feed_id=11932&_unique_id=6751eb11bc27b

Reports from the heart of Russia indicate that President Putin is fuming with rage as yet another of his cherished divisions crumbles under the relentless assault of an American Artillery Division at Izyum, Ukraine. The latest headlines from Boom Boom News (Ukraine) paint a grim picture of the defeat suffered by Russia's once formidable 41st Moscow Super Infantry Regiment, mercilessly pummeled by the unstoppable force known as "The Ass-Kickers" - the renowned 7th Cavalry US Armored Division. General Guy Skippalino, the fearless commander of the 7th Cav, takes pride in his armored division's triumph, as they turned the Russian troops into a delectable Moscovian beef stew, leaving no doubt about their dominance on the battlefield. In an unsurprising twist, The Kremlin Voice reports that Putin, seething with disgust, anger, and embarrassment, plans to subject the commander of the ill-fated 41st to a trial for dereliction of duty. The verdict? Guilty. The...

SOMEWHERE IN THE BLACK SEA - (Spoof Satire) - Mexico's El Ole News Agency reports that the destroyer Pancho Villa has just shot a Russian surveillance plane out of the Ukrainian sky. The plane is worth $63 million and was the pride and joy of the Russian commie invader Vladimir Nikita "Shorty" Putin. A spokesperson for the Mexican government, Doremi Granados said that the commander of the Pancho Villa , Captain Alonzo Lorenzo Si, will be awarded Mexico's highest naval medal The Maracasista Presidential Award for Tremendous Valor, Courage, Heroism, Gallantry, Fortitude, and Balls . Captain Si will also receive a year's supply of El Matador Tequila, a pair of solid gold maracas, and $60,000 pesos cash [$3,320.66 US]. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/mexicos-destroyer-the-pancho-villa-shoots-a-russian-surveillance-plane-out-of-the-sky/?feed_id=11667&_unique_id=67507e84b353e

The Twickenham Times Telegram Newspaper 's intrepid reporter, Tango Brisket, provides a unique glimpse into the valiant exploits of the 19th Heavy Artillery Tank Regiment during his six-month embedded assignment. Brisket's observations underscore the unwavering spirit and resilience of the regiment, even in the face of logistical challenges. He highlights instances where the soldiers gallantly fought on, overcoming the absence of breakfast and lunch owing to food delays. In both cases due to a complete lack of sausages and baked beans. In a recent encounter dubbed The Battle of Zamboozi, the 19th found themselves pitted against Russia's 3rd St. Petersburg Volunteer Regiment. Astonishingly, the Russian troops swiftly capitulated a mere seven minutes into the skirmish. The Kremlin Voice, Russia's esteemed news outlet, attributes the unexpected surrender to a rather peculiar twist of fate. The Russian troops, unfortunately, found themselves bereft of ammuni...