Study Finds Morning People Just Evening People Who Gave Up On Joy
SUNRISE, CA - In a groundbreaking study that threatens to unravel the very fabric of our societal fabric (and definitely ruffle some very fluffy bathrobes), researchers at the Institute for the Study of Excessively Perky Individuals (ISEPI) have unearthed a shocking truth: morning people are simply evening people who, at some point in their lives, tragically lost the will to live.
The study, titled "Dawn's Embrace: A Psychological Exploration of Pre-Sunrise Enthusiasm," delves into the psyche of those who greet the rising sun with anything other than a grimace and a desperate prayer for five more minutes. Led by Dr. Perpetua Upbeat, a researcher so relentlessly positive she's rumored to have a personal photosynthesis unit powering her internal sunshine, the study paints a disturbing picture of the morning person.
"It's not productivity that drives them," Dr. Upbeat explains, her voice chipper enough to shatter crystal. "It's despair. They...