Lighthouse News Network

PHOENIX, AZ — In what's being described as "the greatest threat to baseball traditions since the designated hitter," a group of Major League Baseball pitchers filed a class-action lawsuit Tuesday against MLB , claiming the new pitch clock regulations violate their fundamental right to adjust their caps an appropriate number of times between throws. The lawsuit, spearheaded by Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Kevin "The Adjuster" Thompson, argues that the 15-second pitch clock has created "unprecedented psychological distress" among players who've spent years perfecting their between-pitch routines. "I haven't thrown a single pitch in three games," said Thompson, adjusting his cap four times mid-sentence. "How can they expect us to perform at elite levels when we're forced to rush through our sacred pre-pitch rituals? Studies show that exactly 47 cap adjustments are required for optimal performance. I'm not a machine – ...