Nation Horrified by Sudden Realization They Can't Spend Money for One Day
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a shocking turn of events that has left millions of Americans reeling, the entire nation collectively realized today that they would be unable to spend money for an entire 24-hour period due to the government-mandated " Blackout Friday " initiative. The unprecedented crisis has sparked widespread panic, with citizens grappling with the terrifying prospect of existing without engaging in commerce for a full day.
"I... I don't know what to do with my hands," stammered Sarah Johnson, a 32-year-old marketing executive from Chicago, as she stared blankly at her idle smartphone. "I've tried swiping my credit card on various surfaces around my apartment, but nothing's happening. Is this what our ancestors felt like?"
The initiative, announced by Karen McDollars as a measure to "remind Americans of the joys of non-consumerist living," has been met with confusion, outrage, and in some cases, physical symptoms of wit...