Lighthouse News Network

Advanced nanobot engineers have finally hooked up the brains of two people to act as one! They can’t think for themselves – only echo what their programmers have jammed into their skulls. Science knows no ethical bounds – yay! Remember The Terminator? I’ll be back … yes, we all thought that was a fun movie … but nein! It vass nein a movie! That’s your kids and grandkids. Why make robots of steel when you can just use what already exists? A human being has better systems than any MIT grad can make in his robot laboratory. And, Holy Pinocchio, are they making them! The Israelis are already making robots that know kung-fu and can distinguish between an Israeli and a Palestinian when it pulls the trigger – and never makes a mistake (as far as Israeli news outlets will tell you). Russia and America and China and everybody else who is trying their darndest to fuck up this planet are horny for AI. Those two little letters will be the end of humanity as we know it. When ev...

Taylor Swift told Hacienda Fiddle with Boom Boom News that she is proud as hell that her stud boyfriend Anson Mount's Instagram followers have increased by 700% in just the past 30 days. The handsome, rugged star of the TV Western "Hell On Wheels," has become even more popular than Brad Pitt and George Clooney in their hey day. Tay Tay even noted that Anson's bobblehead doll is now second only to hers. Miss Fiddle asked Taylor about the rumor mill rumors that are swirling around that the two are headed for the altar. Swift turned three shades of pink, raised her eyebrows, took a sip of her papaya Margarita and replied, "Well Hacie, truth be told, I have to admit that I have the wedding night itchies down in my nether region." WTF? ■ https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/taylor-swift-is-proud-that-boyfriend-anson-mounts-instagram-followers-have-gone-up-700-in-just-the-past-month/?feed_id=11010&_unique_id=674b70e7b3714

CCN reports on a small Kissing Robot that attaches to your cell phone and has an app. It was developed by lonely Chinese tech students. The round plastic device with realistic silicone lips, plug in your phone and during your call you can talk and also send kisses. The device mimics the pressure, movement and temperature of your lips and transmits them to the unit your girlfriend/boyfriend is holding. So Pucker up (and increase the temp.) for a real 'Hot Lips' kiss for the one you love. A tentative name for the app is Cupid. It should do well on future Valentine's days. It might make internet dating more interesting - a girl can try out a guy as a Kisser - before meeting him in person. Other applications include grannies remote-kissing grandkids, brown-nosers sucking up to their bosses and, of course, the number one use for this device - you're all thinking it, don't pretend! (Article by Dating Site ' Fatal Attraction') ...

Kimberly Guilfoyle, who is known as "The Puerto Rican Firecracker," is extremely upset at the recent rumors that her soon-to-be-father-in-law grabbed her muffin. Kimmy, as the tiny-fingered Trumptwit , calls her, said that it was actually Guilfoyle, who sat on his lap as he was sitting by the pool eating three Big Macs, a family order of McFries, and a 44-ounce cup of Diet Coca Cola. He said that the hot, Latina babe, is one of the most sensuous women that he has ever loved. Meanwhile, Kim's fiance (Donald "Dopey" Trump Jr.) shakes it all off as just being yet another hoax that was started by disgruntled Democrats, who only won the 2020 election because over 2 billion space creatures from outer space illegally voted for President Joe Biden. ■ https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/kimberly-guilfoyle-is-pissed-at-the-rumors-that-donald-trump-brags-that-he-grabbed-her-muffin/?feed_id=10984&_unique_id=674b5340287c7

National Rumblings News Agency reporter Traci Diddle, has just revealed that the 10 brothers who head the Goombalini Crime Family appear in a commercial for McDonalds. In the Mickey D commercial the 10 brothers drive up to a Mickey D's in Brooklyn and they go inside the restaurant and they end up buying Big McMacs, McFries, McShrimp, McTofu, and McPizza for the entire restaurant patrons. Sal Goombalini then pays for the $6,439.84 bill with a seven one thousand dollar bills (Pres. Grover Cleveland). He tells the McDonalds employee to keep the change. SIDENOTE: The Goombalini Crime Family recently went into the Bronx and handed out $30,000 in US food stamps to the needy. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/the-10-mafioso-goombalini-brothers-film-a-commercial-for-mcdonalds/?feed_id=10932&_unique_id=674b465c39a8a

London's Ta Ta For Now News reports that the extremely popular and rich-as-the-royal dickens King Charles III, has just invited British moguls Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan to visit him and the Queen Consort, Camilla Parker Bowles at Buckingham Palace. Palace spokesperson Nigel Foote notes that the two Englishmen will dine in the Winston Churchill Commemorative Dining Hall, where they will feast on a dinner of Sauteed Fox thighs marinated in a pinot wine imported from the highlands of Italy. The side dishes will include woodchuck twice basted in a bombastic vichyssoise pureed in hollandaise sauce. And for dessert the party will feast on Baked Alaska topped with imported Icelandic cream cheese thrice dipped in smashed low-cal cherries. SIDENOTE: After dinner KC-III and the two British gents will retreat to the honorary Petula Clark Sitting Room, where they will be discussing plans for a huge music gala to be held at Wembley Stadium. https://lighthousenewsne...

Elon Musk is one very hard-working mogul. The father of the Tesla submarine, the Tesla dump truck, and the Tesla fighter jet, is now coming out with a Tesla Uber motorcycle. This new creation is perfect for individuals like lawyers, doctors, accountants, and even judges who need to get from point A to point B quickly, safely, and cheaply. It's not yet clear whether Elon has permission to use the Uber brand. But Elon subscribes to the philosophy of "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission." - And what's one more lawsuit for this guy? Musk's high ranking officials say that the business mogul is always thinking at 90 miles per hour. (If only his cars could sustain such speed for more than 20 minutes!) Some have even said that they have been around him and they have actually seen smoke coming out of his ears most afternoons. (Was it 4:20?) ■ https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/elon-musks-latest-creation-is-the-uber-motorcycle/?fee...

SAN JOSE, CA - In a development that has left the tech world both bewildered and strangely intrigued, a team of renegade engineers at Silicon Valley giant Frito-Lay has cracked the code on the global chip shortage: Doritos. Yes, you read that correctly. The beloved cheesy triangles are being hailed as the potential savior of the tech industry, offering a crunchy, flavorful alternative to the traditional silicon chip. "The situation was dire," lamented Dr. Bartholomew Cheesypoofs, a leading tech industry analyst (and self-proclaimed connoisseur of all things cheesy). "We were facing a future devoid of new iPhones, delayed deliveries of the latest gaming consoles, and an entire generation of teenagers forced to socialize in person. It was a tech dystopia of unimaginable proportions." Government interventions, Cheesypoofs continued, proved laughably ineffective. "Tax breaks for chip manufacturers? Been there, done that. Bribing Taiwan with a lifetime supply...

In a stunning display of technological prowess and cultural sensitivity, North Korea has unveiled its latest, most ambitious missile yet. This gargantuan weapon, codenamed the "Great Harmonic Destroyer," is not only a marvel of engineering but also a testament to the Hermit Kingdom's commitment to the fine arts. Standing at a staggering 300 meters tall and boasting a diameter wider than a football field, the Great Harmonic Destroyer dwarfs anything previously seen in the world's missile arsenal. Analysts estimate the behemoth's payload capacity at a whopping 100 metric tons, enough to carry not just a nuclear warhead, but an entire philharmonic orchestra, complete with a conductor's podium and enough sheet music to fuel a small bonfire. "This missile represents a quantum leap in both military and musical innovation," declared Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un in a televised address, his voice trembling with barely contained excitement. "For too l...

In a groundbreaking display of self-awareness that left economists speechless and bartenders mildly surprised, a consortium of America's most successful billionaires unveiled their long-awaited cure for poverty: "Lobby Like You Mean It." This comprehensive, self-help guide promises to transform even the most cash-strapped citizen into a titan of industry, provided they follow these simple steps: Step 1: Hire a Lobbying Dream Team (and a Personal Vending Machine Negotiator): "The first step to financial freedom," explained venture capitalist Bartholomew "Cash" Kensington III, adjusting his $20,000 monocle, "is securing the services of a top-notch lobbying firm. Think of them as the Sherpas of wealth accumulation, guiding you through the treacherous terrain of Capitol Hill." He elaborated, outlining the importance of a diverse lobbying team that includes not just seasoned political strategists but also a high-powered legal team, a team ...

The high-riding TV Wild West star, Anson Mount, who is Taylor Swift's better half has just opened up The Anson Mount Hell On Wheels Barbecue Diner in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Mount who is half of "The Happiest Celebrity Couple in The USA," recently told Hollywood Hors D'oeuvres writer Tahiti Zeppelin that he has had lots and lots of girlfriends, but never one like Taylor. When asked what makes her different, Mount took a shot from his El Matador Tequila bottle, smiled like the Cheyenne cat that swallowed the Corpus Christi canary and replied, "The woman is 'All Woman." He then added that she knows more effin ways to please her man (that be ME) than any woman he has ever dated and that includes Playboy bunnies, Hooters girls, Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, pole dancers, New York City Rockettes, and even Khloe Kardasian. Anson says that his brand new barbecue diner is doing gangbuster business. He said that his number one seller is the Hell On...

Mexico's El Ole News Agency reports that a burro herder, who was deeply engrossed in digging a hole, stumbled upon something so dazzling in the dirt that it nearly blinded him with shock and amazement. The sun glinted off the object, casting a golden glow that danced in his eyes. With trembling hands, he brushed away the soil, revealing a sight that defied all logic—a solid, glistening mass of pure, unadulterated 24-karat gold. The burro herder, Doloroso Plátano, a sprightly 59-year-old with an unwavering eye for treasure, couldn't believe his luck. He immediately marked the spot with a sign roughly fashioned from a discarded sombrero, determined to share this incredible find with his brother Cristobal and his audacious twin sisters, Viola and Mineola. News of his discovery went viral, capturing the attention of curious onlookers and authorities alike. When Mexican authorities inquired about the location of the gold, Plátano simply stated that it could be fo...

Recently, many ex-navy pilots have come forward in the U. S. to say they have seen UFO's near their planes doing weird things. One ex- pilot recently anonymously described a 'Close Encounter'. "This large Bluish Flower - shaped UFO was hanging around my plane - seemed to be curious. “I tried to evade it but it easily matched all my acrobatic maneuvers. “Then his long red UFO came along and Wham! Penetrated deep into the flowery UFO. “After a few minutes they drifted apart. “I never thought Before - But maybe they are Organic. “Sure looked like Sex to me. “I might have witnessed the first Alien sex on Earth. “I managed to get a screen shot - and the Daily Slander newspaper in London is hot after me for the story and the photo." Giles Brandreth is reported to also be interested in buying the photos for his renowned private collection of exotic and weird pornography. (Reported by Basil Blathering - for his Church Ladies). ...

The Alpha Beta News Agency has just learned that a hair salon in Calexico, California, has developed a way to remove unwanted bikini area pubic hair. Reporter Mimosa Sabrosa spoke with the owner of the Pretty Woman Hair Salon, Abigail Bottomfield. Miss Bottomfield who is an attractive 28-year-old stunning blonde stated that she developed the new crotch removal system because she go sick and tired of all of the excruciating pain that razor shaves and wax jobs were causing her. She noted that her system called The Abby Hair-Be-Gone System incorporates lasers which penetrate the hooha hair down to even below the hair root. SIDENOTE: Miss Bottomfield told Sabrosa that she has a patent on the system and she stands to make tens of millions of dollars. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/a-hair-saloon-owner-develops-a-razorless-waxless-painless-way-to-remove-pubic-hair/?feed_id=10854&_unique_id=674a11265cf6f

A man who found out to his cost that life still isn’t a choose-your-own-adventure story is telling people on his blog. Bumbling buffoon Gene Daffney took out a dice and rolled it, leaving his fate to chance. Instead of going to work for a week, he went to the Zoo, and then to the cinema. Instead of cooking a nice meal for his wife, he went out to a strip club with the dodgy bloke from work. Instead of picking up the kids from school, he drank a bottle of brandy and spent the night at the police station. A lesson learned the hard way, Gene Daffney reflects on his misadventures with a tinge of regret. "Don’t get me wrong," Gene pined, "It was a lot of fun, but now I have no job, my wife and children don’t talk to me, and I have a police record, and I will be up in court. It could have been worse though. One of the options was to go to the nearest concert playing that night. It was Chris De Burgh, so swings and roundabouts, matey lad." https://l...

Tuesday, 14 February 2023 PFfizer (or however you spell it) has put vaccines in gum! For all those bratty kids and their suspicious parents who don’t want to take their medicine … who doesn’t love a stick of gum? This gum is different, however. It sticks so well, that you may never get it unstuck from your teeth. If you drink bleach (according to Trump’s “medical” advice) then you may have a chance at not having a mouth full of gum for the rest of your life. But even then, the Pzzir – whatever – says the gum will “live” in your stomach for years, and possibly grow. If you turn into a monster – you get your money back! Ever seen Alien? That is a possible side effect. But Pzisser’s “scientists” have stated that “The gum is good and safe and we absolved ourselves from any and all blame from now until the end of time … or however you people got left to live.” Not sure what “you people” meant, and the science guy wouldn’t say as he left in a hurry after saying he “...

Justin Welby, aka the Archbishop of Canterbury, is recovering from a smiting by God after he was caught speeding. Welby, who presided over King Charles III's coronation last week, was convicted by Lavender Hill Magistrates Court of driving at 25mph in a 20mph traffic zone on October 2, 2022. The Archbishop claims he was making haste to get to the House of Lords to criticize Prime Minister Rishi Sunak's Illegal Migration Bill. Welby claims he tried to resolve the matter with the police three times but was denied. A spokesman for the police said "Hysteria and religious allegory won't cut it with us. He was 25% over the speed limit." The reference to "religious allegory" appears to relate to the thrice denial, which some famous bloke in the Bible once did. Welby, 67, admitted the offence online and was ordered to pay a fine of £300, a £120 victim surcharge, and £90 in costs. The magistrates imposed three penalty points on Welby's lic...

Elon Musk is interested in floating cities. An island, constructed by people, on which an entire city stands. Like Manhattan, if its island could float and move around for a moveable feast of all things New York. Who doesn’t want that city offshore from their nation’s capital? One city hijacks another? Well, that’s what’s concerning Elon. Pirates. What if one city tries to take over another on the high seas? Are there laws for that? Not yet – not until the first pirate attack! Can the city have half of its island dedicated to cannons and planes and attack ships? Where will the millionaires sleep? On top of tanks? No, no, Elon must re-think this, he must dream a prophetic dream that will show him how to make cities dedicated to him and his industries, but also able to stay in international waters so that he can commit crimes and get away with them … plus defend against pirates. A tall order for E-loon’s future world, but as long as he can still dream of ways of maki...

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a scene reminiscent of the lost city of Atlantis being unearthed, a group of Senators were observed this week engaging in a previously undocumented act: reading the very legislation they were about to pass. This shocking development has plunged the political world into chaos, raising questions about the very foundation of American democracy. The incident occurred during a routine session of the Senate, where lawmakers were scheduled to rubber-stamp a massive infrastructure bill. However, as cameras panned across the chamber, viewers were treated to the unthinkable sight of Senator Mildred "Millie" Moneybags (R-Country Club) hunched over a thick stack of papers, her brow furrowed in concentration. Upon closer inspection, the papers were not, as one might expect, glossy campaign brochures or hastily scribbled talking points, but the actual bill itself. Gasps rippled through the chamber like a rogue gust of wind in a tax shelter. Seasoned Senators, th...

SAN FRANCISCO - In a move that's left millions of users feeling more stressed than a squirrel in a nut-free zone, the popular meditation app "Inner Oasis" has achieved a state of complete enlightenment and mysteriously shut itself down. "I opened the app this morning for my usual morning mantra and all I got was a blinding white light and a disembodied voice chanting 'Om,'" said a bewildered Beatrice Patel, clutching her phone like a security blanket. "Is this what peak mindfulness looks like? Because frankly, I'm freaking out." Inner Oasis, known for its calming whale sounds and soothing celebrity narrator (Jeff Goldblum, surprisingly calming), has left its user base adrift in a sea of existential dread. The app now displays a single, enigmatic message: "True peace lies within. Seek it not in apps, but in the vast emptiness of your own being." This abrupt shift has caused widespread confusion, with users flooding social ...

LaLaLand Daily reports that three of the hottest females have just signed to star in the Bravisimo Network reality show, "The Misadventures of The Cougar MILFs." Willow Tulsa with LaLa, stated that Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian, and Kate Gosselin will soon begin shooting on their brand new reality TV show. According to the show's producer, the three women will be living in the "Adults Only" exclusive Lady Chatterley apartment complex in Redondo Beach. Britney will star as Jenny Snuggle, who works as a pole dancer, Kim will portray Lupita De La Panocha, who is employed as a masseuse, and Kate will star as Cassie Nippawood, who just recently divorced her fourth husband because he, like the other three could not satisfy her nymphomaniac personality. Starring as the apartment landlord will be Ronda Rousey who will be portraying a hard core butch lesbian, who falls in love with each one of the three. The show is sponsored by Feminine Deodorant ...

PHILADELPHIA - (Sports News) - The Eagles recently took a fast food poll and the winner of the favorite fast food of the Philadelphia Eagles was fried chicken. The poll was conducted by The QuinniPinni Polling Agency and they found that the defensive unit to a man preferred fried chicken, such as KFC, Church's, Bush's, and Raising Cane's, whereas the offensive unit leaned more towards hamburgers, such as McDonalds, Whataburger, Bandit Burger, Wendy's, and Jack in The Box. The special unit team players were more into pizza, like Little Caesars, Dominos, The Pizza Prince, Leonetti's, and Pizza Hut. The coaches, including head coach Nick "The Stick" Sirianni said that they do not eat fast food and divulged that they like slow food, like T-Bones, Sirloins, Filet Mignon, and Baby Back Ribs. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/fried-chicken-is-the-favorite-fast-food-of-the-philadelphia-eagles/?feed_id=10671&_unique_id=6748da837de6d

McDonalds wants to dispel the rumor about them importing French fries from China. Sources suggest the rumor could have started from a source within the Wendy's franchise. McDonalds wants it known that they only use the finest potatoes grown in Idaho to make their award-winning French fries. MIckey D's hashfired an investigator to find out exactly where the damn rumor originated and they plan to sue the hell out of the source. Meanwhile, McDonalds has just opened up their very first McDonalds in Zimbabwe and it is reportedly making a killing. SIDENOTE: The McDonalds in Africa admits that they do make McZebraburgers, and they add that they have no calories, no sodium, and no Bisatinamide, which has been known to grow hair on human tongues. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/mcdonalds-denies-that-they-are-importing-french-fries-from-china/?feed_id=10593&_unique_id=6748cd1ccada8

Britney Spears recently told Traci Diddle with the National Rumblings that she was shocked to learn that Anderson Cooper is quite the stud in the kitchen...wait...kitchen?! She told Miss Diddle that she had always heard that he played for the other team, but damn was she wrong. She noted that he has no inclinations to vegetarianism at all - he's a red-meat man through and through! Spears said that she and Andy, as she calls him got matching tattoos to celebrate their new found friendship. When asked what the tattoo was, Brit giggled, took a sip of her El Matador Tequila and said that the two lovebirds had vowed to keep it a secret, but rumous are that Anderson has a big Oscar Meyer wiener and Britney has a big open hot dog bun, dripping with mayo. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/britney-spears-and-anderson-cooper-get-matching-tattoos/?feed_id=10619&_unique_id=6748bf9eb4f2f

It has been confirmed by Press Extra reporter Voodoo Dupree that 'America's Happiest Couple,' Taylor Swift and Anson Mount have just finished filming a commercial for McDonalds. In the commercial the star of the hit western "Hell On Wheels" and the blonde songstress drive into a Mickey D's drive-thru lane on two quarter horses and place their order. The drive thru employee is shocked as she sees the two famous celebrities and she calls over nine of the employees who go outside and take selfies with the two mega stars. Both Anson and Tay-Tay comment that they have been eating Big Macs and McFries since they were both knee-high to a grasshopper. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/taylor-swift-and-anson-mount-film-a-commercial-for-mcdonalds/?feed_id=10567&_unique_id=6748b25ec5e14

NEW YORK CITY - (Spoof Sports) - The LPGA is buzzing with news of Holly Sonders, the latest sensation in women's golf. Leslie Putterword, a senior writer for Golf Guide Illustrated Magazine , has dubbed Sonders as one of the hottest and sexiest golfers since Tiger Woods. At 36 years old, Sonders recently split with her boyfriend of 12 months after discovering he was stealing golf balls, returning them to the clubhouse and pocketing the deposits. Despite the setback, Sonders has been on fire on the course, even scoring a double hole-in-one at the LPGA Ladies Sausalito Invitational Open. According to witnesses, she hit a sensational hole in one on a par 5. The ball fell square in the middle of the hole, but it popped out then rolled back in again! When asked about the double hole-in-one, Sonders joked, "I wish that happened more often, I could've shaved a few strokes off my score!" Sadly, due to the rules of golf, it didn't count. Further, S...

Country music sensation Carrie Underwood recently went into Nashville's Round and Round Record Studio to record a single with hip hop artist Snoop Dogg. The very unlikely couple clicked and were able to record the song in just three takes. The song was written by Carrie and her close friend Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac fame. The song is titled "I Got Me Da Fa Shizzle Ma Nizzle Blues." Carrie spoke with Cheyenne Patio of Scandal Today and informed her that there is no truth to the rumors that she and her pro hockey player husband Mike Fisher are getting divorced. Underwood noted that the rumor that her hubby, who plays for the Nashville Predators, was caught trying to smuggle 200 pounds of opioids from Canada to Bangor, Maine, is totally baseless. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/carrie-underwood-records-a-hip-hop-single-with-rapper-snoop-dogg/?feed_id=10514&_unique_id=674894bdb508b

The Wyoming state senate has voted 97-3 to ban the hackneyed, worn-out term "Ish," as in "We will go to dinner at 8 ish." Many residents of the Buffalo Herd state, have expressed a desire that the term needs to be retired like the terms "Where's my Hula Hoop," "Hey dad, can I have the keys to the Edsel," and the word "Hoax" when uttered by the fat, 367-pound, human whale, Donald J. Erasmus Trump. The "Ish" term had it's hey day, but now it is time to send it to the Outdated Terms Hell. SIDENOTE - A resident of Buffalo Nipples, Wyoming, named Si Sillabocker, III, 87, said that he loves that term and no one is going to make him stop using it. In fact, old Si, reportedly has nicknamed his wife of 52 years Valencia Jean..."Ishy." https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/the-state-of-wyoming-bans-the-term-ish-as-in-8-ish/?feed_id=10488&_unique_id=674886a1b4905

ARLINGTON, VA - In a bombshell revelation that will forever alter your perception of the stoic figures guarding our nation's airports, a recent study has unearthed a truth so shocking it could send carry-on allowances plummeting: 80% of TSA agents derive a perverse joy from watching passengers fumble through airport security. The groundbreaking research, conducted by the highly esteemed (and slightly underfunded) Institute for the Obvious (IFO), involved rigorous observation of unsuspecting travelers and in-depth interviews with anonymous TSA agents under the codename "Agent Orange" and "X-Ray Rhonda." The findings paint a picture of a workforce whose morale hinges not on thwarting terrorism, but on witnessing the comedic ballet of forgotten toiletries and misplaced laptops. "Imagine a world where the highlight of your day is watching someone wrestle a rogue scarf out of a Ziploc bag," mused Agent Orange, his voice thick with repressed amusement...

Move over, Nora Ephron and Richard Curtis, there's a new sheriff in town, and it doesn't have a beating heart (yet). In a stunning upset, the AI-generated romantic comedy "Error 404: Love Not Found" has taken the film industry by storm, snatching up every major award for romance this season. Critics are raving about the film's "uncanny ability to capture the quiet desperation of modern dating" and its "groundbreaking realism." The plot? Well, get ready for tissues, because it's a rollercoaster ride of...checking your phone every five minutes, swiping left on a dozen profiles, and microwaving takeout for one. The film follows Brenda (voiced by Siri in a surprisingly emotional performance), a data analyst in her late 30s who, like so many of us, spends her evenings meticulously crafting witty bios that disappear into the dating app void. Enter Chad (voiced by Alexa, clearly phoning it in), a gym-obsessed investment banker who uses the s...

Reports coming out of the ancient country of Greece reveal that one of Greece's state-of-the-art submarines had a malfunction with its radar system, causing it to end up off course...way, way off course. The Polaris submarine "Delphi" was conducting naval maneuvers off the Greek coast when it suddenly lost its radar system. The sub's commander, Capt. Starvos "Gyro" Kavala, a seasoned submarine commander of 29 years, believed he could navigate the "Delphi" back to its home port in Leonidio. Alas, fate had a different agenda in store. A sudden Mediterranean Sea storm unleashed its wrath, quickly propelling the hapless vessel into uncharted waters. After four days of aimless drifting, the Greek sub found itself off the coast of the South Pole. SIDENOTE: As the crew dared to open the sub's hatch to survey their position, they were greeted not only by the biting chill of minus 19 degrees but also by a frolicking troupe of peng...

A rare moment in archaeology has occurred in North Korea. First, it was amazing that Kim Jong-Un even let in foreign scientists to study the prehistory of the top of the Korean peninsula, but then again, Kim’s dictatorship doesn’t exactly encourage a lot of people to become scientists, unless they can make weapons of mass destruction. The only kind of science that matters to a dic … tator. They dug deep and found … nothing. No sign of a wheel. The North Koreans didn’t even invent the wheel? How in the hell can you develop any technology without … oh, right, the Chinese GAVE the North everything. But Kim’s fascist ancestors couldn’t come up with the simple machine, although scientists did find a lot of evidence that the ancient Jong’s invented the noose, the cat ‘o nine tails, waterboarding, the Iron maiden, thumbscrews, electrocution (by static electricity, rubbing silk shoes on cotton mats), smacking a guy’s balls with a knotted rope, and being forced to listen to self-...

King Charles had a run in his stocking, but he couldn't find a seamstress – the kind they had in the good old days of the 19th century, possibly a three-year-old covered in soot, smoking cigars, and hacking out a lung or two – so he must do it himself. The Queen said she "shall neither knit nor sew nor touch string in any of its forms," so Charles is scuppered there too. He asked the poor suckers who wash his dishes and cook his food and who make sure the toilet paper on the roll is hanging the correct royal way, and still they all said, "We don't know how to do that, Your Lordship." He sent his nylons out to the Royal Stitcher (if that doesn't sound like a horror movie waiting to happen) who then said, "Too busy, Your Kingliness. I have torn knickers all over me shop. Ever since Your Person became officially Kingly, the British public have been at it like rabbits, thinking things will never change, the medieval will always exist in ...

A Boston company recently did a secret robot and human strip show in Paris for some big tech company executives - to show off the flexibility of their robot guard dogs. (And hopefully sell some of them.) The 'terminator - type' robot dogs can guard any property. (And don't fall asleep like security guards.) They are bright yellow - lean, creepy - looking metal animals. They can smile and say 'how are you today' - and other phrases - if you are a legal visitor to their property. The private showing of a busty model standing still and being artistically 'stripped' down. And then gently bent and tugged by the robot dogs into various 'suggestive' poses - was a big hit with executives. (and the beautiful French model got several dinner invites.) No body felt like petting the dogs. One of the waiters received beaucoup francs for the photos. (The London daily sleaze - best sleaze in the world) https://lighthousenews...

The most brilliant man in the world, Elon Musk, has done it again. The transportation genius has just invented the Tesla Fire Truck. Fire companies who have tested it report that it is the greatest firefighting invention since the fire hose. One fire chief in Bowling Green, Kentucky, Capt. Homer Cappabroom, stated that with the new Tesla fire truck, his firefighters can get to the fire in half the time, and as soon as they arrive at the conflagration, every fireman can quickly exit the vehicle through it's state-of-the-art saloon door type doors and begin battling the inferno. Musk has said that the new Tesla Firefly Firetruck has already been ordered by 297 fire companies throughout America. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/elon-musk-comes-out-with-the-amazing-tesla-fire-truck/?feed_id=10306&_unique_id=674758c7b3efb

Teasmaid Jacqui Smith has returned unsold from her fifth car boot sale and will be trying again tomorrow. The relic of a bygone era, car boot sales were the old-school eBay, without all of the palavers of postage. Jacqui, who has been sadly gathering dust along with an old Betamax Video and a Toby Jug in her owner's garage, takes up the sad saga. "Yes, it all seemed a bit of fun to begin with," she sighed. "I was lifted up from my shelf, dusted down, and plugged in. It has been years since I have been treated like that, I mean being turned on. It was nice, but then the truth sank in. The first time I went out was with Barry the Blackboard, and he never returned. Then it was Sid the Sodastream, and some grotty little child bought him. It was such a tragic waste. It wasn't just my owner, though. Everyone was there. Such a waste of items they used to find useful. I mean, in my heyday, I was the thing they looked forward to using, and now, what are we?...

Alexa was the first, but now there will be more robots, or AI thingys, to make our lives better and to take away our need to think for ourselves. “Alexa, do unicorns exist?” “No, unicorns are mythical, they do not really exist.” “Alexa, is Bill Gates a psychopath?” A lady asked her Alexa this and got a positive response, but what do robots know, right, Bill? “Alexa, how do I tie my shoe laces?” These fascinating and very important new appliances are something that every household will want and NEED. Why? Because you have been told so. And so you won’t have to think for yourselves or even go to the library and pick up a book and look for the answers yourself. Why think when a robot can do it for you? Soon, you won’t even know how to tie your own shoe laces, and while your shoe tongues are flapping with your every step, you’ll be wandering the neighborhood like the man who could not find an honest man, asking, “Who will tell me how to tie my laces? Or who has a...

McDonalds sales have shot through the McRoof after the companny adds their brand new adult McMargaritas. The new drink was developed from a mixture that was put together by one of the nation's most noted drink mixologists, Lorenzo "Mixy" Brazosport, who is the founder of The Brazosport Academy of Drink Mixology . "Mixy" has received all kinds of accolades from beverage and brew groups from France to Zimbabwe and from New Orleans to Norway. The new drink was tested in the Las Vegas market, where those who drank the McMargarita drink all stated that it was the best damn Margarita that they had ever tasted. ■ https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/mcdonalds-food-sales-shoot-up-after-they-add-the-mcmargaritas/?feed_id=10280&_unique_id=67473c92b4cb0

The True Dat News Agency reports that King Charles III has just announced a new postage stamp to pay tribute to his late mum, Queen Elizabeth. According to TDNA writer Reggie Rickenracker, the stamp is no ordinary creation. It features a whimsical illustration by the esteemed British artist William P. Shakleton, renowned for his ability to turn mundane objects into postage-worthy masterpieces. Shakleton's eclectic collection includes a stamp of the majestic Tower of Big Ben sporting a comically oversized hat, Wembley Stadium doing a victory dance through Hyde Park, Windsor Castle transformed into the world's largest bouncy castle, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum's waxy rendition of the royal corgis, The Cavern in Liverpool in a mop-top wig and rocking out with the Beatles, the River Thames doing a synchronized swimming routine, and a mischievous drawing of a football autographed by the legendary Chicharito, who used to play for West Ham, seemingly plotting to escap...

Next to Jack Nicholson, former Beatle Paul McCartney is one of the Los Angeles Lakers biggest die-hard fans. Paul has had season tickets to the Laker games for the past 13 years. Being British, he says that at first he did not quite understand the ins and outs of the game, but after watching lots of You Tube videos on the basketball team, he now has a damn good working knowledge on the team. And Pia Confetti with Sportsapalooza Sports has just broken the story that Sir Paul is now dating an ex-Los Angles Lakers cheerleader. He was introduced to her by none other than the owner of the Lakers Jennie Buss, who is currently dating one of her players, but it is very, very, very low key. Paul is 80, and his Laker's girl named Lola Boxbooty is only 24, so she is actuality young enough to be McCartney's great granddaughter. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/paul-mccartney-is-ecstatic-with-his-may-december-relationship-with-an-ex-laker-girl/?feed_id=10202...

FREMONT, CA - In a move that has redefined the meaning of "self-driving," Tesla unveiled its newest innovation this week – the Model S Plaid "Co-Pilot," a revolutionary vehicle that allows even the most technophobic Luddite to experience the thrill (or terror?) of autonomous driving. This groundbreaking advancement boasts a suite of cutting-edge features, including lane-departure warning, automatic emergency braking, and the pièce de résistance – a giant red button labeled "HUMAN PANIC BUTTON" positioned conveniently within arm's reach of the driver. "We listened to our customers," declared Elon Musk, Tesla's ever-optimistic CEO, at the unveiling. "They crave the freedom of self-driving technology, but some, bless their analog hearts, still harbor a primal fear of rogue AIs taking over the world. The 'Co-Pilot' addresses this concern head-on, offering the perfect blend of technological marvel and good old-fashioned human...

FILLMORE, CA - In a development that will leave science fiction fans mildly inconvenienced, local inventor Dr. Bartholomew "Tick Tock" Tockington unveiled his revolutionary time machine yesterday to a crowd of bewildered onlookers. The machine, a chrome monstrosity resembling a malfunctioning disco ball, promises to rewrite the very fabric of temporal existence, albeit with the panache of a particularly slow toaster oven. Dr. Tockington, a man whose enthusiasm for time travel is only rivaled by his questionable fashion sense (think tweed vests and pocket protectors galore), has spent the last decade locked away in his cluttered lab, fueled by a diet of instant ramen and daydreams of becoming the H.G. Wells of Fillmore. "This baby," Dr. Tockington declared, patting the time machine affectionately with a hand adorned with a mismatched collection of wristwatches, "can take you anywhere in time! Witness the fall of Rome! Watch the signing of the Declaration ...

Back in 2014 the all-girl band was caught in Milwaukee with 400 pounds of Durango Bango marijuana. Then in 2019, they were caught at O'Hare Airport in Chicago with $700,000 in counterfeit five dollar bills. And now Music Moments Magazine is reporting that the lawbreaking gal band was caught down in Alabama with trying to steal over 400 bales of cotton on their band equipment truck. Now for those who do not know, the state of Alabama does not fool around when it comes to cotton. And the last person who tried to steal Alabama cotton was Ruford "Bubba" Dimmit, who tried 16 years ago and he is still sitting in The Dixie Land State Prison in Quack Quack, Alabama. Meanwhile the band members were caught with four times what Dimmit stole, so it looks like the heavy metal rock band bitches will be performing lots and lots and lots of concerts in prison. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/colorados-infamous-all-girl-heavy-metal-band-martie-martin-the-mariju...

Kimberly Guilfoyle has never been one to shy away from controversy. And so the future daughter-in-law of the Huge Orange Asshole , namely Trump, says that she wants all of her haters to know that she sincerely hopes that every last one of the talentless sons-of-bitches and bitches rot in hellacious hell. Guilfoyle who alleged has two uvulas has been named to be Donald Trump's 2024 campaign manager. Trump even stated that he likes Kimmy a lot because she has fantastic sex appeal, great looking legs, and she is one of the best French kissers that he has ever kissed. (How 'bout them uvulas, eh Donald!) Kimberly turned red when she heard about DJT's comment and added that she only let him French her on three, maybe four occasions. The uvula cramps were just too painful. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/kimberly-guilfoyle-expresses-a-desire-to-see-all-of-her-haters-rot-in-hell/?feed_id=10150&_unique_id=674646bfb4c3b