LOS ANGELES— After decades of European soccer dominance, international superstar Cristiano Ronaldo is ready to “give the fans what they really want” by joining an MLS team and promising to score 100 goals in every game, a pledge he says is "both a reasonable challenge and a gift" to American soccer. Fresh off the announcement, Ronaldo assured fans that his “conservative estimate” of 100 goals per game is entirely achievable.
“This is America, the land of big dreams and big numbers,” Ronaldo said during his first MLS press conference, flashing his trademark smirk. “If you’re going to show up here, you don’t just play soccer—you do it in a way that no one else ever could, or ever would. That’s what I bring to the table: not just one goal, or two goals, but a hundred, minimum, every single game.”
In what’s already being hailed as the most absurd contract in MLS history, Ronaldo signed with the fictional Los Angeles Galaxy Starbeams for an undisclosed amount rumored to include a bonus for every goal beyond 50, a personal entourage of ball boys, and a "flexible jet access clause" to avoid the rigors of commercial flights between cities. In fact, Ronaldo reportedly insisted on being flown by jet even to local Los Angeles matches, calling LA traffic “a challenge I’m unwilling to face.”
“Cristiano is already planning his goal dance routines,” said an anonymous Starbeams representative. “He’s debuting new moves for every tenth goal, and there’s talk of a laser light show at 100 goals. It’s like combining soccer with Cirque du Soleil, and it’s exactly the spark the MLS has been looking for.”
Fans across the country, meanwhile, have set sky-high expectations, eagerly awaiting the legendary soccer icon’s arrival. According to Ronaldo’s new social media team, his Instagram feed is ready to post real-time updates for each goal. In a stroke of marketing genius, they've arranged for drone footage that will circle each stadium, tracking his shots on goal and live-streaming them with captions like, “Goal #87: Still Got It” and “Goal #99: Didn’t Even Break a Sweat.”
MLS teams, however, are reportedly experiencing mixed emotions about this new chapter. “It’s a privilege to play against such a legend,” admitted Starbeams coach Max Farrell, nervously adjusting his tie. “But I’ll be honest: 100 goals is quite a bit for us to accommodate. We’re looking at how we can improve our defensive strategies to allow for just the right amount of awe-inspiring goals while still keeping a shred of competitive dignity.”
Meanwhile, the rest of the Starbeams roster seems downright relieved by Ronaldo’s game plan. “Honestly, I think I’ll just hang back and let him do his thing,” admitted defender Luis Moreno, sipping an iced coffee. “He’s out there breaking records, and I’ll be here just admiring the view. In fact, most of us are thinking of turning our positions into cheerleading squads, complete with pom-poms.”
The league’s fans are equally excited, with some even raising the bar for Ronaldo. “A hundred is great, but why stop there?” said die-hard fan Greg Martin, who claims he’s planning a “150 Goals or We Riot” sign for Ronaldo’s debut. “I mean, this guy’s a legend. If he’s really going to be the GOAT, I’m expecting at least a couple goals per minute. And if he hits 200, I’m naming my kid Ronaldo. It’s all or nothing, baby!”
The Ronaldo fever has spread beyond fans and into MLS corporate headquarters, where executives are reportedly scrambling to update their rulebooks, which currently have no guidelines for a player who routinely scores over 100 goals per game. According to insiders, they are preparing to introduce a new “Ronaldo Clause” that will allow his games to run indefinitely until he hits the goal benchmark or requests a cappuccino.
Sports analysts, meanwhile, are pondering the ripple effects of Ronaldo’s goals-per-game ratio on the sport itself. “This could be revolutionary,” said soccer analyst Wendy Harmon. “His relentless scoring might break soccer’s traditional barriers. We could see six-hour games, goalposts being set up at both ends of the field, maybe even goalies getting swapped out like relief pitchers in baseball. The possibilities are endless, and all absolutely ridiculous.”
When asked if he planned to surpass his 100-goal mark, Ronaldo just grinned and shrugged. “I’m just here to bring my best to the pitch and give American fans the kind of experience they deserve. And if that happens to include scoring a hundred goals every game for the rest of my career, well… I’ll do it for them. They need it more than they know.”
But not everyone is equally thrilled about Ronaldo’s stateside arrival. When asked to comment, MLS defenders across the league let out a collective sigh. “So we’re supposed to let this guy score 100 times and just stand there?” complained one defender from the Portland Timbers. “I didn’t sign up for that. I thought this league was supposed to be fun. Now we’re just a backdrop for Cristiano’s personal highlight reel.”
Ronaldo’s spokesperson has also hinted at a new merch line to commemorate his unprecedented MLS journey. Fans can look forward to purchasing
100 Goals a Game scarves, limited-edition “goal counters,” and Ronaldo-signed soccer balls pre-inflated to the “perfect scoring pressure.”
For now, all eyes are on the Starbeams’ first game, where Ronaldo is expected to set the record for most goals in a debut match. And if he hits his goal, it could just be the start of a new era for MLS—one with goalposts left smoking from sheer overuse.
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