Trump Names Mar-a-Lago Chef as Secretary of State: 'His Lasagna Has More Layers Than NATO

PALM BEACH, FL — In an unprecedented diplomatic shakeup, Mar-a-Lago's head chef Mario Bianchi was accidentally nominated as Secretary of State after President Donald Trump reportedly confused his catering renewal contract with cabinet nomination paperwork during what staffers described as "Executive Time dinner."

The confusion occurred when Trump, between bites of what he called "the best meatloaf in the history of meatloaves, maybe ever," signed several documents without reading them, a practice his staff describes as "completely normal." Upon realizing the mix-up, aides were too terrified to correct the error after Trump declared it "possibly the most perfect appointment of all time."

"Chef Bianchi has tremendous foreign policy experience," Trump declared during an impromptu press conference held in the Mar-a-Lago kitchen. "He makes Italian food, Chinese food, AND Mexican food. Name one other Secretary of State who knows that many cuisines. You can't!"

Bianchi, a 15-year veteran of preparing Trump's signature well-done steaks with ketchup, brings what Trump calls "fresh perspective" to international diplomacy. The chef's most notable diplomatic achievement to date includes negotiating peace between kitchen staff during what insiders refer to as the "Great Ketchup Shortage of 2023."

"My tiramisu has solved more international conflicts than NATO," Bianchi stated while signing diplomatic cables with a pasta-stained apron. "And my marinara sauce recipe? That's classified information. Very classified. The most classified."

State Department officials have been observed frantically studying Italian cookbooks and requesting emergency subscriptions to Food Network. Meanwhile, foreign diplomats have begun requesting state dinners instead of policy meetings, with several ambassadors asking if they could "skip the boring talks and go straight to dessert."

The chef has already begun conducting foreign policy meetings from his kitchen, where he recently negotiated a trade deal while preparing osso buco. "It's all about the timing," Bianchi explained, stirring a pot of risotto with one hand while signing a nuclear treaty with the other. "Just like cooking, you have to know when to turn up the heat and when to let things simmer."

Democratic leaders have demanded an immediate investigation into what they're calling the "Kitchen Cabinet" scandal, while Republicans have praised the nomination as a "return to family values and home cooking in American diplomacy." Several GOP senators have already praised Bianchi's "tough stance on underdone pasta" as proof of his diplomatic capabilities.

In response to the controversy, other world leaders have begun sending their personal chefs as ambassadors, leading to what experts are calling "the most delicious arms race in history." The French ambassador's sous chef has already threatened to withhold soufflé recipes unless certain policy demands are met.

The State Department has rushed to install a professional-grade kitchen in Foggy Bottom, with a special "diplomatic hot sauce collection" under 24-hour guard. Sources report that Bianchi successfully negotiated his first international treaty by offering his grandmother's secret recipe as leverage, prompting Trump to declare it "the most delicious deal in American history."

At press time, the White House announced its new "Taste of Democracy" diplomatic initiative, with all future deputy position applications requiring at least a basic culinary school certificate. Mar-a-Lago has already begun offering "diplomatic dining experience" packages, where guests can watch international relations being seasoned to taste.

When asked about his plans for Middle East peace, Bianchi replied, "Every conflict can be solved with enough garlic and a good olive oil. Extra virgin, of course – we're not barbarians."

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