Jeff Bezos’ New Workout: Lifting Bags of Money While Dodging Taxes

SEATTLE — In an exciting new development for the billionaire fitness community, Jeff Bezos has revealed the secret behind his chiseled physique: an intense, full-body workout regimen centered entirely around lifting massive bags of money.

The Amazon founder and occasional space tourist took to social media this week to unveil his fitness routine, which he claims has transformed his body and strengthened his grip on global wealth. "People ask me, ‘Jeff, how do you stay in such incredible shape?’” Bezos said in a video, flexing in front of a stack of gold bars. “The answer is simple: resistance training. Specifically, resisting the urge to pay taxes while lifting bags of cash.”

"It’s All About Financial Weightlifting"

According to Bezos, his unique routine focuses on functional strength—the kind required to haul enormous sacks of unspent worker wages, untaxed profits, and stock buybacks over his head like a deranged Santa Claus.

"Every morning, I start with bicep curls using a stack of hundred-dollar bills,” Bezos explained, demonstrating his flawless form. “Then, I move on to deadlifts—hoisting duffel bags full of stock dividends while laughing maniacally."

Fitness experts are already calling Bezos’ approach “revolutionary,” though many note that his method is only accessible to those with an estimated net worth of over $190 billion. “The average person can’t just go out and lift $50 million in untraceable offshore assets,” said Dr. Emily Carter, a leading personal trainer. “But they can try curling their student loan statements while sobbing. It’s essentially the same muscle group.”

A Workout for the Elite

Bezos’ new fitness routine has reportedly caught the attention of other billionaires, many of whom have started incorporating similar methods into their daily schedules.

• Elon Musk has begun bench-pressing Tesla stock fluctuations while balancing on a precarious stack of overpromises.
• Mark Zuckerberg is performing endurance training by carrying the weight of his failed Metaverse investments.
• Bill Gates has reportedly taken a more advanced approach, replacing his standard jogging routine with sprints toward lucrative patent loopholes.

Meanwhile, regular Amazon warehouse workers attempting the routine have found that their version involves a very different kind of resistance training—specifically, resisting the urge to collapse from exhaustion while lifting 600-pound pallets of unsold Echo Dots.

“We tried doing the Bezos workout,” said James Calloway, a warehouse employee in Ohio. “But instead of lifting money, we were just lifting our arms to beg for a bathroom break.”

Health Benefits… Or Just Hoarding?

While Bezos insists that his routine is purely for fitness, critics argue that it might just be an elaborate excuse to hoard even more wealth. “At first, I thought this was a joke,” said financial analyst Richard Langley. “But then I realized: lifting bags of money isn’t just a workout—it’s his entire economic philosophy.”

Sources close to Bezos claim that he is already considering launching an exclusive Amazon Prime Wealth Trainingprogram, where participants can sign up for a monthly subscription to receive pre-filled moneybags, delivered in two days or less.

Coming Soon: Space Training?

Looking ahead, Bezos has hinted at his next fitness venture: Zero-Gravity Wealth Training. According to insiders at Blue Origin, Bezos is developing an elite exercise experience where billionaires can train their muscles by lifting offshore bank accounts while literally floating above the poor.

“Earth’s gravity is simply too restrictive,” Bezos stated, pausing to adjust his diamond-encrusted wrist weights. “By working out in space, we can simulate the real conditions of extreme wealth—where nothing, not even consequences, can hold us down.”

Call to Action: How You Can Get in Shape, Too

For those hoping to try the Bezos workout at home, the billionaire has a simple message: “Step one: acquire a global monopoly. Step two: stop reading this article because you’re too rich to care.”

For everyone else, Bezos recommends a different form of exercise—practicing deep, controlled breaths while staring at your Amazon cart, debating whether you can afford two-day shipping this month.

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