Trump Hires Broadway Choreographer to Make Cabinet Members' Entrance 'More Dramatic Than Hamilton

WASHINGTON — In a bold move to ensure his potential return to the presidency outshines all previous inaugurations, President Donald Trump announced Monday the hiring of acclaimed Broadway choreographer Marcus "Jazz Hands" Rodriguez to orchestrate what he promises will be "the most theatrical, the most tremendous cabinet entrance in the history of inaugurations, maybe ever."

Sources close to the production reveal that Trump was inspired after watching a TikTok video of a flash mob at a New Jersey mall, reportedly turning to an aide and declaring, "That's what American leadership should look like – but bigger, much bigger, and with more gold."

Rodriguez, whose previous credits include "Cats on Wall Street" and "The Phantom of the Federal Reserve," has been tasked with transforming the traditionally staid ceremony into what Trump describes as "Hamilton times a million, plus lasers." The choreographer's initial suggestion to redesign the Capitol steps as a grand LED-lit staircase was immediately approved, with Trump reportedly adding, "Make it light up like my name on a casino, but classier."

Inside sources report that daily six-hour rehearsals are currently underway in the Mar-a-Lago ballroom, where cabinet nominees are struggling to master their assigned signature moves. Three potential appointees have already withdrawn their nominations after failing to execute basic pirouettes, with one former CEO citing "irreconcilable differences with the gavotte."

"The President personally demonstrated his signature move, 'The Executive Power Spin,'" revealed one anonymous staffer, who described it as "a combination of a golf swing and what appears to be feeding pigeons while rotating counterclockwise."

The production has faced numerous challenges, including a ballooning budget that reached $50 million after Trump demanded "solid gold backup dancers" and "patriotic confetti made from shredded Democratic subpoenas." The Secret Service has expressed concerns about the extensive use of fog machines and pyrotechnics, but their objections were dismissed with Trump's insistence that "drama is more important than security."

Each cabinet member has been assigned choreography specific to their department. The Secretary of Defense will perform "The Military Industrial Complex Shuffle," while the Treasury Secretary's solo includes making it rain with gold-plated fake bills. The Department of Energy's entrance reportedly involves human-powered wind turbines, which one insider described as "like Cirque du Soleil meets an oil lobbyist's fever dream."

The Broadway community has been thrown into chaos, with half of its members publicly denouncing the production while the other half secretly submits audition tapes. Lin-Manuel Miranda has filed a cease and desist order over Trump's impromptu "Hamilton was a loser anyway" rap, which the former president insisted on adding to the finale.

During yesterday's rehearsal, several cabinet members became hopelessly entangled in their ceremonial capes during "The Constitutional Conga Line," leading to minor injuries and one brief crisis involving the Secretary of Agriculture and a malfunctioning trap door. Trump, observing from his gold-plated director's chair, declared the chaos "Perfect, absolutely perfect."

Choreographer Rodriguez was last seen applying for witness protection program after Trump suggested incorporating "that Riverdance thing, but with more kicks" into the Supreme Court Justices' entrance sequence.

The inauguration ceremony, now branded as "The Greatest Show in Political History," is selling VIP packages that include a "Dance with a Department Secretary" experience. Pay-per-view rights have already been negotiated with various networks, though Trump insists the best camera angles will be available exclusively on Truth Social.

At press time, sources confirmed that other world leaders have begun demanding their own musical numbers for diplomatic meetings, with the North Korean leader reportedly working on a K-pop inspired State of the Union response dance.

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