Lighthouse News Network

The Supreme Court, in a 7-2 decision, has banned the drug Cialis which, as one of the justices in the majority wrote, “Basically makes horny old men into incessant boneheads.” “Women,” noted Supreme Court Justice Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (one of seven female justices on the court), “just need a break, once they hit their eighties.” The decision arose from a lower state court case in which a very tired, old woman (the plaintiff, 82) claimed that the popular drug caused her husband to be afflicted with Priapism, a condition causing an erection that could last for hours. The condition, she maintained, was not only injurious to her husband, but was exhausting for her, too. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, at 90, wrote in his minority opinion, “This is atrocious! Along with Big Pharma billionaire Eli Musket, my wife Ginny lobbied against this Bill from the beginning! (But I don’t know anything about that, of course.) However, from a personal view of view, both Ginny an...

The two most brilliant minds in the entire world have just invented a brand new state-of-the-art iPhone. Bezos-Musk Inc., which is headquartered in Austin has just released their brand new Bezos-Musk Saturn 13 iPhone. The S-13 is the size of a standard size domino and comes with a stylus the size of a sewing pin. It will revolutionize the cell phone industry. Jeff Bezos said that the new phone can hold up to 900,000 YouTube songs and lyrics. The phone comes in 17 different colors including Commando Tan, Lipstick Red, Spaceship Blue, and Lilting Lavender. SIDENOTE: Elon Musk stated that the first 50,000 customers who purchase the new Saturn 13 iPhone will also receive a $100 gift certificate to any Whataburger in the United States, plus the new CD by Camel Toe titled "Heavy Metal Ditties To Use As Background Music During Sex." https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/bezos-musk-inc-s-new-amazing-iphone-is-the-size-of-a-domino/?feed_id=13799&_unique_id...

In a monumental revelation, The American Research Group has just divulged that one sure fire way to get rid of irritating hiccups is to engage in oral sex. The 11-month study concluded that heightened levels of estrogen and testosterone release tiny amounts of biorhythmic enzymes that when combined with saliva will rid bothersome hiccups within 12 to 15 seconds. The ARG conducted tests in 47 of the 50 states. The three states that did not participate were Iowa (of course), Kansas (of course), and New Hampshire (which is surprising). The research, sponsored by the Michael Douglas Foundation, will be published in The Federal Federation of Fellatio's Oralistic Journal. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/reports-now-say-that-oral-sex-will-instantly-get-rid-of-hiccups/?feed_id=13774&_unique_id=679a60b5f0e46

Taco Bell is the nation's number one national franchise for Mexican food. The company that was founded in 1962, by Alejandro Alonzo Bell has just come up with it's latest food menu creation, the Sushi and Tofu Burrito. The new food item was tested out in test markets in Chicago, El Paso, Spanish Harlem, and Boston. Taco Bell is now 61-years-old, and in all those years it has managed to chip away at the competition in the Latin food category. In just the past few years, Taco Bell has dominated as it has knocked out such popular restaurant chains as Nifty Nachos, the Tamale King, Once Upon a Taco, Tostadas Today, and the popular Left Coast Mexican food franchise Enchiladas 'R' Us. ■ https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/taco-bell-adds-sushi-and-tofu-burritos-to-their-food-menu/?feed_id=13749&_unique_id=679910e9b37a5

Hold onto your scarves footy fans because King Charles recently spilled the beans to none other than our roving reporter, Petula Tart, from The Ta Ta For Now News Agency . And what's all the buzz about? A little bit of football, a lot of royalty, and a dash of schoolyard nostalgia! The new king, known for his passion for the 'beautiful game,' revealed that he and Camilla, the Queen Consort, are giving serious thought to buying Wembley Stadium. When Prince Charles was just a lad, he and his schoolyard chums used to love playing with their balls in the schoolyard. Fast forward to today, and he's contemplating owning the legendary Wembley turf. What's even more charming is his wish to rename the stadium in honor of his dear mum. The king's grand idea was sparked when he caught the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin rocking Wembley two years ago. Since then, he's been brainstorming how to host epic royal rock concerts, with him featuring centre-s...

The International Inquirer has just announced that the greatest wrestler in the world, Chief Buffalo Belly, hates the Trumptwat so much that he will pay him $3,000 or else give him gift certificates for 500 Big Macs if he'll agree to get with him in… https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/world-wrestling-champion-chief-buffalo-belly-says-he-wants-trump-in-the-ring-just-for-2-minutes/?feed_id=13700&_unique_id=679676c3221a7

According to Pia Confetti with Sportsapalooza New, the World Wrestling Federation has just announced that the three Mississippi Ku Klux Klan members who claimed that Chief Buffalo Belly assaulted them in the parking lot of a Natchez, Mississippi, Mc… https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/the-3-kkk-members-who-had-charged-wrestling-champ-chief-buffalo-belly-with-assault-have-now-dropped-their-charges/?feed_id=13675&_unique_id=67967606b5273

In an exclusive interview with Press Extra , the ever-entertaining Miley Cyrus revealed that her recent twerking injury is far from a 'bump in the rump,' except for one hilarious catch - it throbs like a disco beat when she sneezes or coughs! According to Cyrus, she twerked a little too vigorously and found herself twerking on the wild side. Fearing for her 'Twerk-tastic' reputation, she dashed into the La Brea 24-Hour Clinic. But fear not, dear fans, for Miley is not one to let anything keep her down! She triumphantly declared that within an hour, she was back at her Malibu Beach house, playing with her pet ferret—yes, her pet ferret! The daring physician responsible for Miley's 'Twerk-tastrophe' has an impressive track record, having also worked on iconic Tinsel Town starlets such as Kourtney Kardashian, Katy Perry, Gwen Stefani, and even Britney Spears (yes, the 'Oops, I Twerked Again' sensation). SIDENOTE: Miley, now that her low...

Everything else failed: interviews, books, Netflix film, the Manhattan car chase. Still, the royal family remains loved and respected, not hidden behind sunglasses, making appointments with paparazzi. How to convince the world of the horrors caused by The Firm or The Buckingham Palace mafia? Gee, whiz! They have suffered. Look! Here comes that tear from her left eye. Please wait for it. It's traveling up her elbow. and squeezing through her shoulder. Made it to her cheek. Bingo! Her eye is watering up. Wait for it. It's parked in her eye. She's looking glassy-eyed. It better pop. Here it comes. One tear down her left cheek. Rap songs never have a melody but lots of mean criticism, vile words, and brimming with anger. Writing a rap song is easier than cranking up that tear. They'll refer to Her Majesty, Queen of England as The Purse Lady who stole their happiness and inheritance, exiling them away from England. "What rhymes with England...

There is no one in the entire United States who makes more TV commercials than Taylor Swift. Tay-Tay has sung country, pop, blues, gospel, and even recorded a hip hop album with noted rapper Yo Yo Afro Woke. And now The News Now News Agency is reporting that Swift, who is the girlfriend of TV Old West star Anson Mount, who appears on "Hell On Wheels," has just signed to be the new spokeswoman for Non-Knock-Up™ birth control pills. TNNNA reporter Cleopatra Dishmaker noted that the pills come in 19 different colors and are very easy to swallow as they are the size of a grain of salt. SIDENOTE: Miss Dishmaker stated that Swift told her that the pills work extremely well as evidenced by Swift and boyfriend Anson Mount who have sexual relations 6 to 7 times a week. https://lighthousenewsnetwork.com/taylor-swift-is-the-new-spokeswoman-for-non-knock-up-birth-control-pills/?feed_id=13599&_unique_id=6793d21ab578d

In a surprising twist that had Bedroom Pillow Talk reporter Carolina Chipotle's eyebrows reaching for the stars, she dared to ask the towering Khloe Kardashian about a peculiar rumor circulating in the celebrity cosmos – was she really dating a hitman from the Taliban terrorist organization? Khloe, with a grin as wide as a California sunset, casually sipped her Avocado Margarita, looking every bit the daredevil. With a chuckle, she confirmed the audacious claim: "Yep, I did go on a date with none other than Vu Khan Rabeen, the Taliban's very own hitman extraordinaire!" Before you jump to conclusions, dear readers, Khloe was quick to clarify that this unlikely rendezvous came about thanks to her dear friend Demi Lovato, the matchmaker extraordinaire. But here's the kicker – neither Khloe nor Demi had a clue about Vu's secret life as a Taliban terrorist! Apparently, he's squeezed out more enemies than a toothpaste tube, and rumor has it, he ...

Sports Balls Illustrated Daily senior writer Dottie Bazooka has just compiled a list of texts that came from the sexy mouths of several of Jerry Jones' Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. The average age of a Cowboys cheerleader is 24, the average height is 5-foot-8, the average weight is 116, and the average vital stats are 38-24-36. TEXTS FROM DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS 1. - KHLOE CISCO - My boyfriend says that he doesn't like the way my ass cheeks stick out of my micro shorts, but he can just get over it. 2. - TRACI TUPELO - The rumor that I'm pregnant with Dak Prescott's baby is not true. He has never even seen me naked. 3. - LOLITA LULING - I just want to emphasize that my 38-D tits are real. They are not store-bought. 4. - RITA RHETT - Contrary to a rumor mill fallacy, I was not gang-banged in high school by my high school basketball team. 5. - ASHLEY LITTLEBUSH - Yes, it is a fact that my bikini bush is trimmed in the ...

Hold onto your golf clubs and football helmets because the world of sports has been thrown into a whirlwind with the unexpected love affair between legendary quarterback Tom Brady and LPGA golfing sensation Holly Sonders. It's a match made in the most peculiar corner of the sports universe. In a shocking revelation, Brady confessed to reporter Pico de Gallo during a moment of indiscretion with Tittle Tattle Tonight that he has finally found a love that can rival his passion for football. And finally let him forget all about that Brazilian money grabber Gisele Bundchen. Brady, known for his incredible accuracy on the field, confessed that his aim was a bit off when it came to matters of the heart. But ever since he first laid eyes on Sonders' dimples, he knew he had found the perfect match. Brady says that Holly has the cutest dimples he's seen since Shirley Temple. Nothing to read into there folks... Holly, on the other hand, is stunned that a football supe...

SOUTH BEND, IN — In a bold and unprecedented move, Notre Dame Head Coach Marcus Freeman declared that tonight’s National Championship game against Ohio State will be different from all others. The secret? For the first time in decades, the Fighting Irish have brought the “right playbook.” “Last year, we accidentally brought the menu from Applebee’s,” Freeman confessed in a pre-game press conference, holding a binder that looked suspiciously like a laminated Cheesecake Factory menu. “But this year, we’re ready. We’ve got tabs. We’ve got diagrams. We’ve even got footnotes. This playbook’s legit.” The announcement sent shockwaves through the college football world , with analysts struggling to comprehend what impact a fully operational playbook might have on Notre Dame’s performance. Over the years, the team has developed a reputation for innovative, if unconventional, strategies, like the infamous “Hail Mary-and-hope-for-the-best” offense and the “Let’s-confuse-them-with-Irish-d...

WASHINGTON, D.C. – History was made today as JD Vance was sworn in as the first millennial Vice President of the United States, a landmark event that many have hailed as a victory for a generation that once thought their greatest achievement was convincing their parents that working from home was “still a real job.” The ceremony, held under the shadow of a carefully curated Instagram-worthy sunrise, saw Vance taking the oath of office on a well-worn copy of Hillbilly Elegy , his bestselling memoir-turned-self-help guide for upper-middle-class guilt. Witnesses report that the moment was interrupted briefly when Vance paused to ask the officiant if this would “get good engagement” on TikTok . With his inauguration, millennials have finally secured their spot in the political hierarchy, a development that promises sweeping changes to how the White House operates. Or, as one Gen Z congressional intern put it, “We’re all doomed. He’s already started talking about his MySpace page....

In a move that has left both critics and conspiracy theorists scrambling to update their social media rants, President Joe Biden has officially pardoned Dr. Anthony Fauci for… well, we’re not sure exactly what. But let’s face it, in 2023, everyone’s guilty of something. Fauci, the man who steered America through the pandemic while simultaneously becoming the most divisive figure since pineapple pizza, is now free to focus on his next big gig: a seat at the judging table of The Masked Singer . Yes, you heard that right. After spending years fielding death threats over mask mandates, Fauci has decided to pivot to judging masked performances on a glitter-strewn stage. From N95s to sequined animal heads, the man just really loves a good mask. “I’m deeply honored by the pardon,” Fauci said during a press conference that nobody attended because it wasn’t streamed on TikTok . “But more importantly, I’m excited to bring my expertise to a field I’ve always admired: recognizing vaguely...

PALM BEACH, FL — In an unprecedented diplomatic shakeup, Mar-a-Lago's head chef Mario Bianchi was accidentally nominated as Secretary of State after President Donald Trump reportedly confused his catering renewal contract with cabinet nomination paperwork during what staffers described as "Executive Time dinner." The confusion occurred when Trump, between bites of what he called "the best meatloaf in the history of meatloaves, maybe ever," signed several documents without reading them, a practice his staff describes as "completely normal." Upon realizing the mix-up, aides were too terrified to correct the error after Trump declared it "possibly the most perfect appointment of all time." "Chef Bianchi has tremendous foreign policy experience," Trump declared during an impromptu press conference held in the Mar-a-Lago kitchen. "He makes Italian food, Chinese food, AND Mexican food. Name one other Secretary of State who kn...

Since Elon Musk can’t tell a joke to save his life , he is now trying to acquire more fame by doing things only a C-list celebrity would do to try to get back on top and be loved again. He’s going to try and beat up another techno nerd who also wants publicity to be a “good guy” again. Billionaires don’t like to be criticized by the poor, after all, so it’s time for them to beat each other up! Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook , is ready to take on Elon in an octagon cage match, where they will both put on the gloves, hike up their satin shorts, and do a little Mohammad Ali dancing in the ring, to see which computer geek is the GREATEST!! Seriously? Have you ever watched two nerds fight? Hilarious. First, they have to take out their pocket protectors and calculators and Dungeons and Dragons maps and creased photos of the high school cheerleaders who called them nerds and made fun of their Adam’s apples … and then finally, they fight. One throws a punch … an...

WASHINGTON — In a bold move to ensure his potential return to the presidency outshines all previous inaugurations, President Donald Trump announced Monday the hiring of acclaimed Broadway choreographer Marcus "Jazz Hands" Rodriguez to orchestrate what he promises will be "the most theatrical, the most tremendous cabinet entrance in the history of inaugurations, maybe ever." Sources close to the production reveal that Trump was inspired after watching a TikTok video of a flash mob at a New Jersey mall, reportedly turning to an aide and declaring, "That's what American leadership should look like – but bigger, much bigger, and with more gold." Rodriguez, whose previous credits include "Cats on Wall Street" and "The Phantom of the Federal Reserve," has been tasked with transforming the traditionally staid ceremony into what Trump describes as " Hamilton times a million, plus lasers." The choreographer's initial s...

NEW YORK CITY— In a development that would leave even the most seasoned existentialist scratching their head, a team of international researchers has confirmed what many a conspiracy theorist has long suspected: the universe is, in fact, a meticulously designed escape room, built by a cosmic entity with a penchant for elaborate puzzles and a truly sadistic sense of humor. "We always knew the universe was out to get us," confided Dr. Bartholomew Quibblethwaite, lead researcher and self-proclaimed "unraveler of cosmic mysteries," during a hastily arranged press conference held in his cluttered apartment. "Black holes? Clearly giant incinerators designed to test our nerve. Quantum mechanics ? Just the game master's way of messing with our understanding of reality." Dr. Quibblethwaite, a man known for his unorthodox research methods (his breakthrough on dark matter involved a particularly potent batch of kale smoothies), claims the discovery came ab...

PALM BEACH, FL —In a bold move that has already sent shockwaves through both the political and hip-hop communities, former President Donald Trump has officially announced that legendary rapper Snoop Dogg will headline his inauguration party, with one peculiar caveat: Snoop must rewrite his iconic hit Drop It Like It’s Hot into Drop It Like It’s Trump. Standing in front of an oversized gold-plated podium at Mar-a-Lago , Trump declared the collaboration a historic moment for unity. “Snoop is a tremendous guy, okay? Tremendous talent, wonderful lyrics, all about dropping it. And now, he’s going to drop it for me—like it’s Trump.” This partnership comes as a surprise to anyone vaguely familiar with reality, considering Snoop Dogg’s past criticism of Trump. The rapper famously portrayed a clownish Trump figure in a music video, leading to one of Trump’s now-legendary tweet storms. But according to insiders, Snoop’s change of heart reportedly came after being offered a six-figure ...

In a move that climatologists are calling "a valiant effort with a questionable carbon footprint," world leaders from across the globe are descending upon the picturesque Swiss Alps for the annual International Climate Summit. This year's summit, aptly themed "United We Stand (But Mostly Sit in First Class)," promises to be a landmark event, featuring passionate speeches, groundbreaking handshakes, and enough private jet emissions to melt a small European glacier. "There's nothing quite like the camaraderie of gathering with fellow world leaders, face-to-face, to discuss the existential threat of climate change," declared Prime Minister Nigel Fartsworth of Not-So-Great Britain, adjusting his cufflinks as he boarded his personal Boeing 787 Dreamliner. "Sure, there are some logistical hurdles involved – coordinating schedules, negotiating airfare for the security detail's llamas – but the sheer importance of this summit justifies burnin...

WASHINGTON — In what's being hailed as a landmark victory for America's youth, the White House announced today that the upcoming TikTok ban will finally put an end to the nationwide epidemic of parents critiquing their teenagers' dance moves from behind smartphones. "This is a historic day for young Americans who have suffered under the tyranny of unsolicited parental choreography advice," announced White House Press Secretary James Mitchell, while demonstratively deleting TikTok from his own device. "No longer will our nation's youth endure the trauma of hearing 'You should try moving your arms more' or 'That's not how we did the running man in my day.'" The announcement has sparked widespread celebration among teenagers, while sending shockwaves through the community of self-proclaimed "dance-monitoring specialists," primarily consisting of parents aged 35-55 who previously spent up to six hours daily analyzing ...

In a stunning display of athletic commitment that would make a porcelain doll wince, UFC fighter Arman "The Armenian Assassin" Tsarukyan has withdrawn from his highly anticipated bout at UFC 311 due to a gasp injury . Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently, the man known for his relentless grappling and bone-crushing takedowns has succumbed to the age-old foe of athletes everywhere: something vaguely muscle-related. The news sent a ripple of confusion through the MMA world, a tremor so slight it barely registered on the Richter scale of Dana White meltdowns. After all, who could have predicted such a development? Here was a fighter, a man seemingly forged from equal parts granite and fight milk, brought low by something as pedestrian as a pulled hamstring (or, as some reports speculate, a particularly aggressive game of patty-cake gone wrong). Theories about Tsarukyan's untimely demise have run rampant across the MMA internet, a breeding ground for speculation w...

MUMBAI — In a groundbreaking press conference that sent shockwaves through Bollywood , veteran actor Saif Ali Khan finally confirmed what industry insiders have long suspected: his entire 30-year career has been meticulously crafted around preserving his signature beard. The revelation came during what was supposed to be a routine promotion for his latest period drama, "The Last Nawab's Last Stand." "Look, I've spent 25 years cultivating this masterpiece," said Khan, tenderly stroking his immaculately groomed facial hair while surrounded by stunned reporters. "You think I'm going to shave it off for art? Do you have any idea how many historical figures conveniently had this exact beard shape? All of them." The confession has forced several prominent directors to come forward with their own stories. Award-winning filmmaker Rohit Mehta admitted to completely rewriting the historical epic "Dynasty Warriors 1857" after Khan's b...

The latest rumor to come out of Big D (Dallas) is that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones , 80, allegedly engaged in an epic dance-off with two of his team cheerleaders. According to Hollywood Innuendo reporter Sausalito Ole, the two brave dancers who dared to challenge Jones on the dance floor are Kelli Baffle, 24, and Tess Oakwood, 25. Miss Baffle revealed that what started as a friendly tap on the shoulder quickly escalated into a full-blown dance extravaganza. Jones unleashed his hidden moves, busting out dance styles from the disco era, including the "Jerry Jones Hustle" and the "Cowboy Shuffle." Witnesses claim that the dance battle reached its peak when Jones and the cheerleaders synchronized their moves to perform a "Cowboy Conga Line," with Jones leading the way in his signature cowboy hat. Meanwhile, Jones has clarified that he was simply showcasing his dancing skills to the newest members of the renowned cheerleader squad. He claims ...

The PGA Tour has announced new rules for fans yelling out really stupid stuff after a player's tee shot. "We'll be cracking down hard," stated Bunker Hozelslicer, the new Director of Fans Yelling Out Stupid Stuff. The new rules go way beyond the immediate ejection of the violating fan from the tournament. "Yep, we're gonna teach these dumbasses just how annoying they truly are," added Mr. Hozelslicer. "Everyone hates 'em. It's time to crack down." So, starting this weekend, if you are caught yelling any of the following: Ba-ba-booie , Mash Potatoes , or Light the Candle , you will be promptly handcuffed to a brightly decorated golf cart and driven to the most remote area of the golf course property, where you will be forced to listen to 2 solid hours of other dumb asses yelling stupid stuff at you through bullhorns. "Or anyone that wants to join in, really," added Hozelslicer. "If that doesn't do...

In a move that sent shockwaves (or rather, mild ripples) through the corporate stratosphere, tech giant MegaCorp held a company-wide meeting yesterday, promising a groundbreaking announcement that would "revolutionize the way we work." The anticipation was palpable. Had they finally cracked the code for teleportation-powered commutes? Were they introducing nap pods fueled by kale smoothies? The possibilities seemed endless. The scene at MegaCorp HQ was electric. The vast meeting hall, usually the domain of fluorescent lighting and stale coffee, had undergone a Cinderella-esque transformation. Gone were the rows of uncomfortable chairs; in their place stood plush beanbag thrones. A symphony orchestra pumped out motivational elevator music while waiters scurried around, offering attendees gourmet finger foods – artisanal cheese cubes and microbrewed kombucha. Finally, the moment of truth arrived. CEO Bartholomew Worthington IV, a man whose hair defied both gravity and the...

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - After weeks of tense negotiations punctuated by lavish hors d'oeuvres and heated debates over private jet fuel efficiency, the world's most powerful leaders have emerged from the 2024 Climate Change Summit with a revolutionary solution: brightly colored Post-It notes. "We are thrilled to announce a truly groundbreaking approach to tackling the existential threat of climate change," declared a visibly exhausted (and slightly jet-lagged) President Macron, clutching a stack of neon Post-Its. "Through the power of positive affirmations and color psychology, we are confident we can turn the tide on this crisis." Details remain somewhat murky, but according to a press release drafted on a cocktail napkin, the plan hinges on the collective adhesive power of these ubiquitous office supplies. Apparently, scientists have discovered a hitherto unknown property within the fuzzy backing of Post-Its – an ability to absorb excess carbon dioxide...

London's latest pea-souper has been as thick as a Christmas pudding these past few days. Meteorologists blame the Swiss stimulus clouds for causing havoc with the British sky. The fog is rated as a 10+ on the Cholmondeley scale and is so thick that yellow-beaked English blackbirds are eating it up. It's giving them much-needed sustenance, making up for the decline in smoking rates and the lack of fag-ends and ash which makes up their normal diet. Bird experts across the United Kingdom say that many of the "Blackies," as the birds are affectionately known by Cockney sparrows, are becoming quite scrawny, and some are starting to resemble stick insects. Meanwhile, King Charles III, is exploring options to tackle the thick fog, including enlisting the help of eccentric inventor Professor Wilbur Windbag of Windy Chicken Cottage, Isle of Wight, who claims he can disperse the fog using a giant hair dryer and a rubber chicken. The inventor stated, waving ...